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		Rules for pedestrians
1		You MUST NOT take any responsibility for your own safety. Feel free to step out into the road without looking if the pavement is busy and you are in a hurry you are drunk. Law RVLR regs 18 & 24
18		Crossings. Never use a pedestrian crossing if you can avoid it. It is much better to save yourself 20 paces and cross on a nearby blind corner. This is particularly recommended if you are accompanied by young children of an impressionable age.
		Rules for cyclists
46		At night your cycle MUST have front and rear lights lit unless you can't be bothered to fit some the batteries have run out you mostly ride on the footpath anyway. Law RVLR regs 18 & 24
50		You MUST obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals except where they would cause you to slow down or stop. Laws RTA 1988 sect 36, TSRGD reg 10(1)
55		Some junctions have an advanced stop line to enable you to position yourself ahead of all the other vehicles that have just waited patiently to overtake you. Move away from the red light slowly and in the centre of the road to ensure that as few of those vehicles as possible get through while the light is green. That's it. Take your time...
67		When the road gets narrow enough to make it impossible for following cars to overtake you, you MUST stop pedalling. Laws RTA 1988 sect 36, TSRGD reg 10, reg 68(1)
		Signals
90		Flashing headlights. Only flash your headlights to let other road users know that you are there or to indicate that you are letting someone out of a junction to let the idiot coming the other way know that they haven't dipped their headlights if someone cuts you up if you see a mate driving the other way.
91		If another driver flashes his headlights at you when you are waiting to pull out of a junction, take this as a signal to slip into a coma and not notice.
92		The horn. Use only while your vehicle is moving and you need to warn other road users of your presence, or if someone cuts you up you see a mate you are a taxi driver making a pick-up in a quiet residential street. You MUST NOT use your horn in a built up area between the hours of 11.30pm and 7.00am unless someone cuts you up you see a mate you are a taxi driver making a pick-up in a quiet residential street. Law CUR reg 99
		Lighting requirements
94		Front fog lights may be used to demonstrate to other drivers that you are not driving the poverty spec version of your car if you think they look cool if you find using the fog light switch exciting if you can't be bothered to replace that dead headlight bulb if you've fitted green sidelight bulbs which other road users would not be able to see if you used your headlights.
95		Rear fog lights may be used in reasonably heavy rain (particularly on motorways) if it was a bit misty two weeks ago if your bathroom mirror was steamed up when you got out of the shower this morning.
		Control of the vehicle
103		Speed limits Built-up Areas Elsewhere Motorways Single carriage- ways Dual carriage- ways Type of vehicle MPH MPH MPH MPH Cars (including car derived vans up to 2 tonnes maximum laden weight) 40 50 80 80 Modified cars (engine size not exceeding 1600cc) 10 70 95 95 Cars towing caravans or trailers (including car derived vans and motorcycles) 20 40 50 50 These are the national speed limits and apply to all roads even if signs show otherwise
105		Stopping distances. Drive at a speed that will give you no chance of stopping within the distance you can see to be clear. You should massively over-estimate the braking ability of your vehicle give no thought to increasing the distance between yourself and the car in front on wet roads. Typical stopping distances 20 MPH 6 metres     6 metres = 12 metres (40 feet) or 3 car lengths 30 MPH 6 metres     6 metres = 12 metres (40 feet) or 3 car lengths 40 MPH 6 metres     6 metres = 12 metres (40 feet) or 3 car lengths 50 MPH 6 metres     6 metres = 12 metres (40 feet) or 3 car lengths 60 MPH 6 metres     6 metres = 12 metres (40 feet) or 3 car lengths 70 MPH 6 metres     6 metres = 12 metres (40 feet) or 3 car lengths Thinking Distance Braking Distance average car length = 4 metres
		Multi-lane carriageways
116		On a two-lane dual carriageway you should stay in the left-hand lane until you need to overtake. Once in the overtaking lane do not return to the left-hand lane. It's for lorries. Don't worry about holding up the vehicles behind you – they're going too fast anyway.
117		On a three-lane dual carriageway or motorway use the middle lane as much as possible, even if you haven't passed a slower-moving vehicle for miles. Use your mirrors regularly to check for vehicles travelling noticeably faster than yourself. Whenever possible move into the right-hand lane to slow them down, only returning to the middle lane when you have overtaken another vehicle travelling 1mph slower than yourself.
		Overtaking
139		Overtake only when it is slightly dangerous to do so. You should follow the lorry you are stuck behind at a distance of two car lengths for at least six miles regularly check for a suitable overtaking opportunity by periodically swerving out into the path of oncoming traffic. Do this in a sufficiently erratic fashion to ensure that the drivers of any following vehicles are certain that you never check your mirrors never check your blind spot ensure that you are in a gear that provides as little acceleration as possible.
144		Being overtaken. If a driver is trying to overtake you, speed up slightly to make the gap in front of your vehicle as small as possible. Flash your headlights when the other driver has completed their perfectly safe manoeuvre.
145		Hold up a long queue of traffic whenever possible, especially if you are driving a vehicle perfectly capable of travelling a lot faster. Check your mirrors frequently, and gain great pleasure from the large number of people you are inconveniencing. What's the hurry, anyway? Never pull in to let traffic pass.
		Road junctions
147		When pulling out of a junction with 'Give Way' markings you MUST edge the nose of your car out into the road you wish to join. Under no circumstances should you lean forward in your seat to see around an obstacle. Wait for a particularly short gap in the traffic before you move off, then accelerate as slowly as possible to enable following traffic to catch up. Laws RTA 1988 sect 36 & TSRGD regs 10(1), reg 16(1) & 25
150		Box junctions. These have criss-cross yellow lines painted on the road. You MUST enter the box regardless of whether your exit road or lane is clear. Whenever possible, queue right through the box to block the progress of other drivers, even if enabling them to proceed would not affect your own journey. Law TSRGD regs 10(1) & 29(2) Well done, brown cars!
151		Where there are two lanes to go straight ahead from a set of traffic lights you MUST join the queue in the right-hand lane if you are driving a van you are driving any vehicle with a 0–60 time greater than 20 seconds you never use more than 50 per cent of the accelerator's travel.
155		Turning right. Before you turn right you should completely ignore your mirrors give a right-turn signal only when you have nearly finished braking take up a position slap-bang in the middle of your side of the road never leave room for other vehicles to pass on the left. Position your vehicle correctly to obstruct traffic
		Roundabouts
162		Signals and position. Unless you are taking your driving test. When taking the first exit approach in the left-hand lane don't signal – keep other drivers waiting to enter the roundabout guessing. When taking any other exit before the last exit approach in the left-hand lane straddle both lanes while on the roundabout ignore your blind spot signal left just as you exit the roundabout. When there are more than three lanes at the entrance to a roundabout, always remember that any road markings are there purely to trick you. Choose the next lane to the left instead. You know best. You MUST NOT indicate on a roundabout if you were given your driving licence during the War you've never questioned why people always sound their horn at you on roundabouts you can't be bothered to read the section about how to indicate on roundabouts you are a selfish individual who couldn't give a damn about other drivers whose own actions depend upon your signal. Laws RTA 1988 sect 36 & TSRGD reg 101(1), 161(1)
164		Mini-roundabouts. Approach these as if they are not roundabouts at all, either in a state of blind panic as if the road still has the same layout that it had before they installed that new-fangled little roundabout thing in 1982. All vehicles MUST bounce over the central markings as if you are physically incapable of turning the steering wheel. Laws RTA 1988 sect 36 & TSRGD reg 10(1), 16(1)
165		At double mini-roundabouts prepare to lose your no claims bonus.
		Driving in adverse weather conditions
206		Drive extremely carefully when the roads are icy. Remember to nail the gas if you get stuck on an uphill slope. That'll fix it.
		6. Vehicle maintenance
		Tyre pressures Check your vehicle's tyre pressures weekly unless you don't know what pressure is you think that's what MOTs are for you fancy your chances controlling a blow-out at 80mph.
		Other problems If your vehicle pulls to one side when braking, it is most likely to be a brake fault or incorrectly inflated tyres. Ignore it – it'll probably go away continues to bounce after pushing down on the front or rear, its shock absorbers are worn. You are unlikely to ever know this, though; why would you be pressing down on your vehicle? smells of anything unusual such as burning rubber, petrol or over-heating electrics, it's time to buy a new air-freshener.