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Employee Notice


 

Just left school and starting your first job - then read this!! 

 

(click here for printer friendly version - Word doc  29kb)

 


NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

(AMENDMENTS TO COMPANY POLICY)

Holidays

Each employee will receive 104 holidays a year.  They will be called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Break

Too much time is being spent in the toilets. In future you must take your turn alphabetically, i.e. employees who’s names begin with A will go 8.00 – 8.20, B will go 8.20- 8.40 etc. If you miss your turn it will be necessary to wait until the next day. In addition, there is a strict 3 minute time limit. After 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the door will open.

 

Lunch Break

Skinny people will have 1 hour, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal sized people will get ½ hour to maintain their average figure. Fat people will get 5 minutes, as that is how long it takes to drink a slim-fast and take a diet pill.

 Smoking Break

Smoking is not allowed. You may chain-smoke before or after work only.

 

Bereavment Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the dead. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon.

 

Surgery

Operations are now banned. This will trigger a stage 1 warning. As long as you are an employee here, you will need all your organs. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a sick note as proof of illness. If you can get to the doctors you are able to get to work. Otherwise you will trigger a stage 2 warning.

 Absence due to your own death.

This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However 2 weeks notice must be given, as you are required to train your replacement.

Pensions

Your contribution will be taken monthly. Thank you

 

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...updated November 2017...

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