NOTICE TO ALL
(AMENDMENTS TO COMPANY POLICY)
Each employee will
receive 104 holidays a year. They will be called Saturday & Sunday.
Too much time is
being spent in the toilets. In future you must take your turn
alphabetically, i.e. employees who’s names begin with A will go
8.00 – 8.20, B will go 8.20- 8.40 etc. If you miss your turn it
will be necessary to wait until the next day. In addition, there is a
strict 3 minute time limit. After 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper will retract and the door will open.
Skinny people will
have 1 hour, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal
sized people will get ½ hour to maintain their average figure. Fat
people will get 5 minutes, as that is how long it takes to drink a
slim-fast and take a diet pill.
Smoking is not
allowed. You may chain-smoke before or after work only.
This is no excuse
for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the dead. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon.
Operations are now
banned. This will trigger a stage 1 warning. As long as you are an
employee here, you will need all your organs. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
We will no longer
accept a sick note as proof of illness. If you can get to the doctors
you are able to get to work. Otherwise you will trigger a stage 2
Absence due to
your own death.
This will be
accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However 2 weeks notice
must be given, as you are required to train your replacement.
will be taken monthly. Thank you