NOTICE TO ALL
EMPLOYEES
(AMENDMENTS TO COMPANY POLICY)
Holidays
Each employee will
receive 104 holidays a year. They will be called Saturday & Sunday.
Toilet Break
Too much time is
being spent in the toilets. In future you must take your turn
alphabetically, i.e. employees who’s names begin with A will go
8.00 – 8.20, B will go 8.20- 8.40 etc. If you miss your turn it
will be necessary to wait until the next day. In addition, there is a
strict 3 minute time limit. After 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper will retract and the door will open.
Lunch Break
Skinny people will
have 1 hour, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal
sized people will get ½ hour to maintain their average figure. Fat
people will get 5 minutes, as that is how long it takes to drink a
slim-fast and take a diet pill.
Smoking Break
Smoking is not
allowed. You may chain-smoke before or after work only.
Bereavment
Leave
This is no excuse
for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the dead. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon.
Surgery
Operations are now
banned. This will trigger a stage 1 warning. As long as you are an
employee here, you will need all your organs. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Sick Days
We will no longer
accept a sick note as proof of illness. If you can get to the doctors
you are able to get to work. Otherwise you will trigger a stage 2
warning.
Absence due to
your own death.
This will be
accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However 2 weeks notice
must be given, as you are required to train your replacement.
Pensions
Your contribution
will be taken monthly. Thank you
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